For parents who are separated, Christmas can be emotionally challenging. This blog offers practical advice for co-parents to make the season enjoyable and stress-free.
Make plans for the festive period early
We recommend discussing and agreeing on plans with your former spouse or partner as early as possible. This will allow enough time for you to resolve any disputes (seeking legal advice if necessary), understand your responsibilities and plan accordingly. By doing so, you can relax and enjoy Christmas without any last-minute changes or challenges, unless unforeseen circumstances occur.
Try to come to an agreement that prioritises the needs of your child. This may require both of you to set aside your personal issues and find a level of compromise. Remember, this is a special time for your younger family members so the focus should be on them. Ask older children for their preferences to show them that their views are important, but avoid putting pressure on them by asking them to choose between you.
You and your ex naturally want to make the most of this time with your child, but remember they may get tired and overwhelmed, especially if they’re splitting their time between two homes, visiting two sets of grandparents and/or other relatives, having two Christmas dinners etc. It’s important to avoid tiring them out, as it could ruin their enjoyment with the other parent.
Avoiding counter-parenting
Counter-parenting is where one parent tries to compete for their child’s favour and increase their popularity over the other by trying to outdo them.
This could be by:
- Spoiling the child with lavish gifts or activities over the agreed spending limit
- Allowing the child unlimited access to unhealthy food when you have agreed with the other parent to disallow it
- Letting the child stay up late when you have agreed to a routine bedtime
- Allowing them to watch films or TV shows that you have agreed are unsuitable for their age or disposition
If both of you adhere to your agreement, counter-parenting will be avoided.
What do you need to plan?
- Arrangements for each day. You are both likely to want to have the child on Christmas Day, so compromise will be needed if you can’t host the day together as a family. Explore options such as having two Christmas Days, alternate each year so you each get to spend the most important days with your child or, if travel and distance permits, have the child for half of Christmas Day each
- What gifts to get: decide how much you’re each going to spend and who is getting what to avoid repetition. Also, agree what not to get. Buying a child a noisy or large toy, such as a drum set, with the expectation that it will be kept at the other parent’s house may cause arguments
- When the child is seeing family and friends
- Changeover: times and places that the child will be dropped off and picked up
- Any trips or holidays that means one of the parents will be unable to see the child
Introducing your child to a new girl or boyfriend
Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones, so if you’re introducing your child to a new partner, it’s advisable to:
- Let your ex-partner or spouse know to avoid any awkwardness or unpleasant surprises. Discuss the best way to approach the introduction to support your child to adjust. In some circumstances, introducing your new partner to your ex before they meet the children is wise to provide reassurance
- Make sure you’re certain about the longevity of the relationship. Children will get upset and confused if they’re introduced to multiple people
- If you can, tell your children together to help them to process the change and show that you are still united as a family
- Spend time alone with your child to help prevent them feeling that your new relationship threatens the one you have with them
- Take your time and don’t rush into blending your family this way. You will only get one chance, and you need to work together to make it as positive as possible for your child
Things to remember when planning Christmas:
- Try to communicate cooperatively and openly. Talking face to face might be easier if that’s possible, but note the finalised plan down or arrange it via text or email if you feel you need it in writing to hold your ex responsible
- Wider family may want to see you and your child over Christmas but try not to let them pressure you. It may be impossible to please everyone. Perhaps you could see them another time when you’re less busy, or combine their visits so you host a larger group and celebrate Christmas all together
- Try to focus on having a good time and creating new memories and traditions rather than what Christmas used to be like
- Take care of yourself when your children aren’t with you. It’s natural to feel emotional if the senses of loss, anxiety and loneliness are heightened. Make plans to keep yourself occupied or embrace the quieter time by watching a film or reading a book. Your child may be concerned about leaving you to spend time with the other parent, so try your best to reassure them you’ll be OK
The legal situation
Contact us if you need help to resolve a dispute about child contact, your ex has broken (or is threatening to break) a court order, or if you need guidance on parental rights.
You can email us on hello@agrlaw.co.uk or phone 0116 340 0094 to speak to a member of our experienced team.
